“Hate has never led us anywhere worth going.” That’s the root of all of it. Hate on either extreme needs to subside to see others for what they bring to the table.
Exactly. If you really think someone is evil (not just doing evil things, but that they themselves are evil people) or if you think they're too profoundly disturbed to be reasoned with, then you are not going to attempt to find any common ground that could change hearts and minds, or to search even for glimpses of your shared humanity, because you're simply on the side of good and they are the villains. You're on the 'right side of history' and they have been lost completely. It's only a few short steps from there to believing that "Bad things aren't bad if they happen to bad people."
It's possible that we're using different concepts to describe similar ideas, so I should clarify my intent: when I hear "someone is evil" I understand that as a statement of their fundamental nature. If someone is fundamentally evil, they don't have complete agency over their actions and they can never meaningfully choose to act in ways that are good. I don't believe that our actions, no matter how wonderful or abhorrent, can ever change who we fundamentally are as creatures who *always* retain some measure of agency over our lives and choices.
In many ways, this makes the question of evil more challenging, because we're faced with the fact that people can and do choose to behave badly...but it also means that people never, ever lose the opportunity to choose better. Which is why I think it's so essential to understand that, at a different time or under different circumstances, we ourselves might make very different choices. I never want to assume that I am a separate class of human from anyone else.
I always think, if the mere idea of someone's existence bothers you, that is a you problem not a them problem. But the thought that someone must act on that their perceived issue, just isn't the way.
If the idea of Hitler existing bothers me is that a me problem? Because I think when people commit heinous acts it would be a me problem if I didn’t have a problem with them.
I think you misread what I mean. So let me use Hitler to describe what I mean, the existence of Jews bothered him and that's an issue for him, not the fault of the people whose existence he didn't like because they were Jewish. Of course he wasn't right to act against them, but he acted against them based on who they were and nothing else. Does that help? And this is really simplified way of saying this...
Hitler's choices and actions bothered me (to say the VERY least), but I'm not bothered by the fact of his existence. Are we essentially saying the same thing?
This is the violence I fear, that we as Americans never seem to target with laws. Instead we continue to demonize immigrants and people of color when the real problem is white guys. Look at DJTs recent Truth Social posts and you’ll see him ranting about evil immigrants, but mum on this. We passed the Laken Riley act, but can’t take guns away from those who commit domestic abuse violence or have mental health problems.
Yes. I watched a video of powerful testimony on the Texas House floor from a man whose 10-year-old son was killed in Uvalde yesterday. Why did he drive all the way to Austin and wait TEN hours before they finally addressed him? Because our illustrious state government is trying to pass a bill to lower the legal age to purchase a handgun in this state from 21 to 18. Why? Why do we need this law? It's nonsense! (And I say this as a lawful gun owner.)
Yes, yes, all the time, yes, political violence is never acceptable and as a society, our treatment of mental illness falls woefully short. Even so, it’s amazing to me that there aren’t more incidents like these when you consider the veneration and pardons of the violent Jan 6 rioters by the President of the United States, the President’s jokes about Nancy Pelosi’s husband having his skull fractured by someone like Balmer and the President’s unlawful rounding up and renditioning of people without any due process at all to notorious foreign prisons. And of course that all comes after many years of non-stop, hateful rhetoric, calling his opponents radical left lunatics who want to destroy the country or banning Muslims because they want to destroy the country or getting rid of immigrants for the same reason. The Klan from years ago could only dream of having a person in power like Trump.
I think we should probably acknowledge that one motivation people have for lashing out with violence is that they feel they aren’t being heard any other way. We currently live in a political world that is determined by the wealthy and lobbyists. I genuinely believe election reform would significantly cut down political violence. Teslas are being destroyed because those against Musk feel helpless and unheard.
I understand where you are coming from, but I look at the demographic who resorts to violence and they are the most heard, less oppressed group. They get away with it. More than that they feel the 2nd amendment was written for them.
Other groups who are definitely ignored and purposefully left out of our system (Jim Crow laws, gerrymandering, etc) have protested and made change without violence.
Well, let's be honest...committing to change through violence means dealing with the inevitable crackdown and backlash to that violence, something that most marginalized groups are already keenly aware of and not inclined to bring down on their own heads. Violent revolutions are a fantasy that don't usually include consequences for the vulnerable (aka children, the elderly, the disabled) or really anyone who doesn't already feel a bit invincible. “Dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition. We live for what we believe.” [Donald Miller]
Or... "Everybody wants a revolution, but nobody wants to do the dishes."
Absolutely this. So many (mostly white male) people are always so prepared to bring on the next revolution in order to "save democracy" while being completely oblivious to the fact that democracy comes AFTER the revolution. It's that really sticky, difficult, messy part of compromising and building bridges and creating a representative government.
Wholeheartedly agree. I don't know why, but as a man, I feel it in my blood too. I want glory. I want to matter. And "doing the dishes," actually doing the hard work of slow growth feels too hard and too quiet. Why do so many men leave their families or have a hard time keeping work? Why are we aimless? Why do we get lost in our hobbies and obsessions? Why do we lie so much?
Look, I love being a man, but I have no idea why we are the way we are. There are some good ones among us, but dig an inch, and you'll see the fear and anger and selfishness they've had to overcome.
I find it fascinating that the current concerns surrounding the ways America is "failing" men (less education, more violence and suicide, less contentment, etc.) never really seems to address the core concerns of toxic patriarchy. This article on unpacking the current "masculinity" movement and why it won't actually help men was really great: https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/patriarchal-masculinity-runs-the-world
Thank you for the article. You know, I've think you've really hit it - it comes down to insecurity. When we as men (at least in America) feel weak, our gut reaction is to prove our strength. And it's not necessarily conscious. So why are men so insecure? What do you think is the root?
Societal expectations that men be everything (the provider, the fighter, the protector) except for vulnerable. Everyone is insecure and lonely. Men just receive and/or internalize the message far too often that it’s not okay for them to feel those feelings.
I agree with your point! Although, I'm not entirely convinced the peaceful movements on their own can create massive change. (But maybe that's the cynic in me.) The revolution and civil war and women's suffrage and civil rights movements are notable due to the violence that surrounds them. Though I'll concede that, for suffrage and civil rights, it was often violence *against* those protesting that caused enough commotion to create change.
I think this article does a really good job of highlighting the political violence that's often (and shockingly) swept under the rug because of its massive support and yucky connotations (people don't want to acknowledge their racist ancestors). That said, there is plenty of political violence (the Teslas and looting and protests that turn violent, etc.) that stems from the voice of the unheard that is not really covered in this article.
"I genuinely believe election reform would significantly cut down political violence."
This is such a good point! There is a LOT of overlap in the Venn Diagram between folks who 'don't believe that elections really do anything' and the folks who believe fervently that 'something needs to be done.' If you're looking for change but you don't believe our current system can deliver that change, what methods are you turning to next?
“And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the negro poor has worsened over the last twelve or fifteen years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met,” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have considered this before, too. When people criticized the protests that in some places turned into riots in the wake of George Floyd's murder, I said numerous times that, while I don't condone the violence at all, I can understand how a group of extremely frustrated people who have witnessed repeated violence against their community for generations--at the hands of the very people who are supposed to protect us all--might get frustrated enough to lash out violently.
Thank you so much for this question, Sharon. (“What is it about Americans, particularly white men, that gives them a proclivity toward political violence?”) It’s been a question a lot on my mind, too. I keep thinking about our inherent antagonism toward our own government. Just yesterday, I was in one of those themed work meetings where the topic was tax day, and everyone was compelled to give their opinion on the topic before giving their work update. Before it was my turn, everyone fell into the expected script: taxes suck, government bad. We’ve all heard it since we were babies. So I spoke up and said "my favorite thing about taxes is that we can make sure there's a social safety net, that if the corporation we work for today were to find us expendable tomorrow, I can search for a job while receiving unemployment benefits and not starve." The mood shifted after that, and I don’t think it’s because I changed anyone’s mind about those benefits, it’s just that people kind of need to be nudged to remember why they pay taxes in the first place.
I think our emotional relationship with government needs a serious makeover. We should absolutely teach kids to question how tax dollars are spent, but also help them understand what we'd lose without them - clean air, safe roads, emergency services, public education. The anger should be redirected toward those who don't pay their fair share - like how billionaires often pay lower effective tax rates than teachers or nurses while we're left covering more of the national debt they help create through tax avoidance. And we should be naming those billionaires every time we talk about how much we are paying in interest toward that debt.
To Sharon's question about why this seems uniquely American - I think it's partly because our national identity was forged in anti-government sentiment. Our founding mythology isn't just about creating a nation but about violently breaking away from tyranny. We've internalized the Revolutionary War and Civil War narratives so deeply that many Americans see themselves as potential revolutionaries just waiting for their moment of justified rebellion. Any perceived government overreach becomes an opportunity to step into that larger historical narrative that gives their life purpose. It's like some people are constantly looking for their personal Lexington and Concord moment, their chance to be a "patriot”. It’s easier and more romantic than finding ways to strengthen our communities without violence. And it certainly plays better into our cultural expectations of masculinity.
If we want to actually address this, it has to start with how we raise and educate our children. We need to teach them not just about the right to challenge government, but also about the collective benefits that come from civic participation. I'm reminded of Pete Buttigieg's 2020 campaign proposal for a national community service program – offering young people a path between high school and college to serve their communities in non-military ways. Democrats kind of dismissed it then, but I wonder if an idea like this – creating shared purpose through service rather than grievance – might find more traction by 2028? Maybe what seemed idealistic in 2020 will feel necessary after another cycle of division and violence. We need to offer people better ways to feel significant in American society than by tearing things down. The world is changing rapidly with automation, and I don't think we're prepared for how many livelihoods are going to be replaced by artificial intelligence. If we don't act quickly to restore a sense of purpose for our young people, we can probably expect more and more of these horrific incidents.
Followup thought! Sitting down to breakfast with my partner (granola, toast, and a chocolate chip cookie!) he was asking what I was writing about. We got into his perspective as someone who grew up in Portugal and the UK, about how flabbergasted he was when he moved to the US after college that people have to "do their taxes" at all. In Portugal and the UK, most people never have to file anything - their taxes are automatically calculated and withheld from their paychecks.
He pointed out how much psychological difference this creates. Instead of people having already paid their income tax at the point they're paid, here in the United States we live in a year of anxiety that we'll owe more than we can afford when we "do our taxes" in April. Not to mention spending hours telling the government information it already has, and often paying a private company for the privilege of doing so!
I'm not sure why we developed this system, but it certainly appears engineered to make people resent their government, no? Hard not to see the connection between our annual tax filing ritual and the antagonistic relationship many Americans have with government. Maybe those seed-planters of resentment Sharon wrote about include TurboTax...
Yes! When my son lived in Germany with his now-wife, he was asking her about when and how to file taxes…and was shocked to learn that she had no idea what he was talking about! Now, they live here…and she now knows why he was asking that question.
I think like most of the deep seated issues in our country, tax preparation reflects our history of complicating things for the purpose of keeping various businesses alive and thriving. Tax accountants, pharmacy benefit managers, tort laws, lobbyists, PACs, etc. have all worked their way into the system and are difficult or impossible to get rid of without legislative change.
These are good points. I wonder also if it would make a difference to Americans if they could see where their money went and how it helped the country-like a receipt?
I have no idea how much of my taxes go to pay towards this or that-I am sure I can look it up somehow.
I do think paying taxes the way we do is wild. It’s stressful.
Yes! I do think this is a great reform that would get to the heart of why people resent the government. I wonder after this whole DOGE fiasco plays out we'll all realize that if we don't figure out a way to make taxpayers feel more aware of how their tax revenue is spent, they'll go along with insane promises that will unearth fraud and abuse that turns out to be mathematically insignificant, cutting of all our noses to spite all our faces.
Another good point. Why indeed - the govt already KNOWS. What could be the reason, besides keeping us on tenterhooks all year, fearful of making a mistake and then being hit with a penalty? Is the cruelty the point? Keep the little guy down?
Great question, Kate! I didn't know the answer to that, so I checked it out. Portugal has a pretty sophisticated system for taxing wealthy people whose income comes from investments rather than paychecks.
In Portugal, investment income like dividends and interest gets taxed at a flat 28% rate. Capital gains from selling stocks and other securities also get hit with that same 28% rate. They do have higher rates (35%) for income from tax havens and blacklisted jurisdictions. Portugal applies a solidarity tax surcharge of 2.5-5% on people with taxable income exceeding €80,000.
For property, it gets interesting - when residents sell real estate, only 50% of the gain is actually taxable (added to their other income and taxed at rates ranging from 14.5% to 48%). For really high-value properties worth over €600,000, there's an additional annual property wealth tax (AIMI) that ranges from 0.7% to 1% depending on value.
Portugal doesn't have a general wealth tax like some other European countries, but they do have these targeted approaches that hit investment income and high-value properties. Their system is designed to capture revenue from the wealthy while still being attractive enough to bring in foreign investors and residents. The Portuguese tax authorities are definitely aware that rich people have complex financial situations beyond simple wages!
That’s one of the key tax loopholes and a large part of why our system is so complicated. They pay little to nothing because they don’t have taxable income to report. It’s what puts so much of the burden on the low and middle class and it’s by design.
I love Pete Buttigieg so much, and I love this idea. I mentioned above that so many of us see ourselves as the heroes of democracy via fomenting revolution, but we forget that the real democracy was built after the bloodshed. Our successful country was built in the long, hot summer of disagreement and compromise - and the decades that followed filled with precedent-setting difficult choices. When we lose our respect for compromise, for changing minds, for the nitty-gritty of making a society function, we lose democracy. Here's hoping Pete gets more headwind in the next few years and we can see him as the president to help us rebuild in 2028.
Brilliant explanation, and I wish everyone could see it! Please send this as a Letter to the Editor of your local paper, plus the NYTines and the WSJ. Terrific explainer!
I’ll open by saying women aren’t without their faults…but i question why we never address in the open why men (of any color) become violent when they don’t get their way or lose. Weekly in our news, I hear men beating or killing girlfriends or spouses, we see attacks on politicians and school shootings…mostly by men. When will we address how men handle their feelings? I see this as a worldwide issue. I would say as young boys get older, the don’t cry, be a man syndrome represses open expression of feelings resulting in what we see in the news daily. This is not a strength but a weakness playing out violently. It’s a taboo topic but could be the source of much of what we see today.
There is also still the mentality for kids that "boys will be boys". Had a parent say this about their young elementary student who was showing some harmful behaviors. All I could think was that won't work when he does something to someone else, but at the same time some people would accept that because he is a white male.
I have a friend who is raising a boy who posts on social media often about how their experience raising a son is different than someone else raising a daughter. I think it’s harmful that there’s this idea that raising children of different genders is going to be one way or another. I also have seen parents of only boys talk about how they are glad to only have boys bc then they don’t have to deal with the drama girls bring. This idea that boys are going to be rough and tumble whereas girls will be drama is just not true. Yes, some girls will have drama, but so do boys. Some little girls are also rough and tumble.
I recently read an interesting book that covers the weird male fragility. Basically it's all societal pressure for men to not show emotions, causing them to lash out. But anyway, the book was definitely worth a read:
"I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real
I can only speak for myself and my experiences. I'm a white man. And I don't know why, but I've felt angry for a good bit of my life. It's not because I lack resources or opportunities. Quite the opposite - I feel like I am too quickly trusted by people in authority. And yet, I often feel lost and weak and on the outside. Part of it, I think, comes from not feeling like I have an identity. I'm a white dude in America, but what does that mean? I've talked with other white dudes about what it would be like to be a part of a deeper, older tradition, and there's something about that belonging that feels deeply attractive. Without the grit of an ethnic identity (outside of my pale skin), I have nothing to grab onto. I want my life to matter. I think a lot of white men want their lives to matter, but in our impotence and anger we think that violence is the only way to make our mark on the world. It's what our forefathers did. Perhaps we are paying for their sins.
That's a really interesting perspective that makes sense to me, a white woman married to a white man who raised two white sons (and a daughter). While we've never had this specific conversation, I see a bit of this in my husband (now that you've pointed it out). To be clear, in 37 years of knowing him, I've NEVER seen him resort to violence in any way.
But I have noted that:
1. While he has lifelong friends he talks to regularly (a quality I deeply admire), they are now spread around the country, and he doesn't have a "group" of any kind. We women have book clubs and Bunco (here's a secret: that's an excuse to hang out, talk a lot, and drink wine 😅) and Mom's clubs, etc, etc. Generally speaking, men don't form these types of groups. There are some, but not in the way women build community. I've often wondered why that is.
2. While my husband is in no way violent, his default negative emotion is anger. He struggles to express sadness, loneliness, frustration, etc. All of those come out as just "I'm mad." I see the same in his peers.
I will add, though, that I'm incredibly proud that my sons, currently 20 and 23, do not struggle as much to express emotion. My 23-year-old is quite introverted, so he's less likely to share his emotions in general, but he is able to identify them appropriately when he does. And my 20-year-old has no problem doing so. Both of them willingly and without prompting tell me "I love you" and hug me in front of their friends (even through the junior high and high school years when I expected them to not want that and gave them space to not have to). One day last summer I walked into my 20 y/o's room for something, and he was online gaming. I told what I needed to, and as I was walking out, he said, "Thanks, Mom. Love you!" Apparently, one of his gaming buddies teased him about that (he was wearing headphones, so I couldn't hear what was said), and my son said, "What? You don't tell your Mom you love her? Thats so sad, dude." 🥹 Apparently, my husband and I, even with his struggle to identify his own emotions, managed to raise sons who can identify theirs. So there is hope for change if we work at it.
I think this is also where the importance of letting boys and men have female friends. I have close male friends who are super compassionate and definitely look at the world differently than the stereotypical man. I don’t have kids yet, but I think of how I want to foster that in my own kids one day.
Yes. I've noticed this in many men I know, and it scares me, compounded by the fact that I have two sons. I think part of it is so much of male identity under the capitalism and patriarchy is tied to earning money. Which is such an unsatisfying endeavor to start with and infuriating to those who can't earn enough. I'm trying to show my sons what they do outside of traditional achievement matters, eg kindness, compassion, creativity etc. It scares me though because it's so insidious.
Makes me think of the phrase “looking for love in all the wrong places”. Our culture tells men that they will have meaning in doing big things. Money, status, fame, physical attractiveness, etc. But those things are obviously fleeting. I think in general, when we are lacking meaning (which can also be perceived as a resource) that is often the sign we need to widen our net. When my dad went thru the divorce he didn’t want and wasn’t prepared for, he found himself in a dark place and he was very angry. So his therapist recommended that he start serving at the local gospel mission. He just did it on the holidays but I think it helped ground him a lot. It gave him purpose on some of the hardest days of the year. If we want our lives to matter, I think the question needs to be, “how can I serve others?”
But again, in our culture, the *real* answer to that question is not brawny, masculine or impressive. It’s reaching down to the lowest of places and offering our hands to help. If more men (white men in particular) approached their search for meaning from this viewpoint, the world would undoubtedly be a better place.
Thx for your vulnerability and honesty. I think men desperately need community, brotherhood, positive ritual, and connection. We are far removed from these aspects of life that our ancestors enjoyed c which came through church or social groups or civic organizations, especially service-oriented ones. We can rebuild these now, locally, with one another. Is there a cause you can assist, a needy population that you can help? Often deep connection and community arises from shared action and goals. You can lead other men to help those less fortunate. Or you can start a small support group to help young fathers. Or or or… Koan Baez said, “The antidote to despair is action.” Take action now. Can you put your energy towards that? Would that answer your longing for a life that mattered? Hoping for that for you, and men like you.
This definitely brought back themes from Fever in the Heartland by Timothy Egan. I wish that book had ended with people learning to listen to understand. Still a great book I’m glad to have read that helps to understand the past but also how we got where we are today. The ways people have dangerous ideas like they are better than other based on their religion or skin color was marketed in such palatable ways then and now.
Very often, I wish I could just transplant that book into people’s brains. Hate was so invasive and normalized in our government and the general population.
And it wasn't ugly. It wasn't something that people looked down on or thought was wrong. It came in parades, Sunday school and family picnics. The hate was made to feel wholesome and right. It was such a hard book to read for those reasons. Watching people be swept up in that. Wondering how I would have acted during that time. Knowing everything about my life and what I had access to would have been different as a woman in the 1920s!
I also think that the language we use surrounding these individuals and their acts gives them more power. It’s never “terrorist”, it’s “nationalist”, it’s hard to charge white men or women with a hate crime, vs a non white shooter. It’s “hate groups” not “Terrorist cells”. I wonder if we actually start changing the language, socially and legally, we use towards these individuals and their acts that it will do more to deter them?
Thank you, Sharon. I think you are right to highlight this worrisome thread through our past.
For me, learning that the KKK disbanded, not due to a change of heart, but partially to avoid paying taxes, was very enlightening. And then to read Fever in the Heartland, and learn that many of the talking points used by the KKK still echo today: protecting women and children’s innocence, preserving an “American” way of life, stopping criminal immigrants, adhering to family values, buying only from “American” businesses. These subtle dog whistles are still pervasive, whether knowingly used or not. It’s so important to know our history, so we can be wise about what we ought not repeat.
White men are always seen as lone wolves when they act like this (see: just about every mass sh00ting in the US), but the Laken Riley Act was created after one undocumented person committed a heinous crime.
"And if there is one thing that America’s history has taught us: hate has never led us anywhere worth going.." Sharon's voice aligns with that of MLK, JR. "...Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that." I have never loathed another person as much as I do now, but I am praying daily for love to fill my hate. I'm also praying for DT and his cabinet to have open hearts to love for this country in order to put the American people first.
Good on Cody Balmer’s mom for trying to raise alarms! So many moms excuse terrible behavior or say, “Not my son.” I’m thankful she seems grounded in reality.
My neighbor recommended a book to me, “Freedom’s Dominion” by Jefferson Cowie; it’s a book about the white power movement in America and its fight against the federal government. And I just finished reading “A Fever In The Heartland” two days ago. Reading about the ways in which white men (and women) are willing to punch down is just the example of the unwillingness or inability to adapt in a changing world. I think that gets co-opted into a religious or ideological belief, but is based in the deep human instinct to maintain a perception of stability or resource maintenance. When you view the world as a zero sum game, life is a constant fight. And that world view is extremely common, it’s just that most people don’t actually resort to violence against other people to get their needs met.
Thank you, Sharon, for pointing out the Jewish connection to this horrible act. As American Jews, I and most people I know are more frightened living as Jews in America than ever before in our lifetimes.
It’s true that there’s some blue-haired passionate college students out there saying antisemitic things, (which I disapprove of strongly) but I’m not aware of them engaging in shooting sprees. Many of them are wildly misinformed but I don’t consider them to be homicidal against American Jews.
I feel the real threat is from white men on the right. If we think about the Tree of Life synagogue shooting in Pittsburgh, and other mass shootings, it’s generally a white guy with right wing political views. And if a person is racist or against immigrants, or misogynistic or homophobic, you can be sure that they also hate Jews.
It broke my heart to see the photos of the damage to the governor’s mansion, but especially one picture, which showed Jewish holy texts from the Passover Seder burned with singed edges. In immediately reminded me of similar pictures from the Holocaust. And the Holocaust happened because good people (at least they thought they were good people ) looked the other way. And not so good people actively participated.
We have a chance today in the US to not look away. To get actively involved. I am grateful for your voice, Sharon.
Loved the Taylor Swift Easter egg 😆
“Hate has never led us anywhere worth going.” That’s the root of all of it. Hate on either extreme needs to subside to see others for what they bring to the table.
Exactly. If you really think someone is evil (not just doing evil things, but that they themselves are evil people) or if you think they're too profoundly disturbed to be reasoned with, then you are not going to attempt to find any common ground that could change hearts and minds, or to search even for glimpses of your shared humanity, because you're simply on the side of good and they are the villains. You're on the 'right side of history' and they have been lost completely. It's only a few short steps from there to believing that "Bad things aren't bad if they happen to bad people."
Emily and Emily have nailed it. 🙌
I believe I can think someone is evil, and not wish bad things happen to them, but I think you may be generally correct.
It's possible that we're using different concepts to describe similar ideas, so I should clarify my intent: when I hear "someone is evil" I understand that as a statement of their fundamental nature. If someone is fundamentally evil, they don't have complete agency over their actions and they can never meaningfully choose to act in ways that are good. I don't believe that our actions, no matter how wonderful or abhorrent, can ever change who we fundamentally are as creatures who *always* retain some measure of agency over our lives and choices.
In many ways, this makes the question of evil more challenging, because we're faced with the fact that people can and do choose to behave badly...but it also means that people never, ever lose the opportunity to choose better. Which is why I think it's so essential to understand that, at a different time or under different circumstances, we ourselves might make very different choices. I never want to assume that I am a separate class of human from anyone else.
I always think, if the mere idea of someone's existence bothers you, that is a you problem not a them problem. But the thought that someone must act on that their perceived issue, just isn't the way.
If the idea of Hitler existing bothers me is that a me problem? Because I think when people commit heinous acts it would be a me problem if I didn’t have a problem with them.
I think you misread what I mean. So let me use Hitler to describe what I mean, the existence of Jews bothered him and that's an issue for him, not the fault of the people whose existence he didn't like because they were Jewish. Of course he wasn't right to act against them, but he acted against them based on who they were and nothing else. Does that help? And this is really simplified way of saying this...
Hitler's choices and actions bothered me (to say the VERY least), but I'm not bothered by the fact of his existence. Are we essentially saying the same thing?
This is the violence I fear, that we as Americans never seem to target with laws. Instead we continue to demonize immigrants and people of color when the real problem is white guys. Look at DJTs recent Truth Social posts and you’ll see him ranting about evil immigrants, but mum on this. We passed the Laken Riley act, but can’t take guns away from those who commit domestic abuse violence or have mental health problems.
Yes. I watched a video of powerful testimony on the Texas House floor from a man whose 10-year-old son was killed in Uvalde yesterday. Why did he drive all the way to Austin and wait TEN hours before they finally addressed him? Because our illustrious state government is trying to pass a bill to lower the legal age to purchase a handgun in this state from 21 to 18. Why? Why do we need this law? It's nonsense! (And I say this as a lawful gun owner.)
Yes, yes, all the time, yes, political violence is never acceptable and as a society, our treatment of mental illness falls woefully short. Even so, it’s amazing to me that there aren’t more incidents like these when you consider the veneration and pardons of the violent Jan 6 rioters by the President of the United States, the President’s jokes about Nancy Pelosi’s husband having his skull fractured by someone like Balmer and the President’s unlawful rounding up and renditioning of people without any due process at all to notorious foreign prisons. And of course that all comes after many years of non-stop, hateful rhetoric, calling his opponents radical left lunatics who want to destroy the country or banning Muslims because they want to destroy the country or getting rid of immigrants for the same reason. The Klan from years ago could only dream of having a person in power like Trump.
I think we should probably acknowledge that one motivation people have for lashing out with violence is that they feel they aren’t being heard any other way. We currently live in a political world that is determined by the wealthy and lobbyists. I genuinely believe election reform would significantly cut down political violence. Teslas are being destroyed because those against Musk feel helpless and unheard.
I understand where you are coming from, but I look at the demographic who resorts to violence and they are the most heard, less oppressed group. They get away with it. More than that they feel the 2nd amendment was written for them.
Other groups who are definitely ignored and purposefully left out of our system (Jim Crow laws, gerrymandering, etc) have protested and made change without violence.
Well, let's be honest...committing to change through violence means dealing with the inevitable crackdown and backlash to that violence, something that most marginalized groups are already keenly aware of and not inclined to bring down on their own heads. Violent revolutions are a fantasy that don't usually include consequences for the vulnerable (aka children, the elderly, the disabled) or really anyone who doesn't already feel a bit invincible. “Dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition. We live for what we believe.” [Donald Miller]
Or... "Everybody wants a revolution, but nobody wants to do the dishes."
Absolutely this. So many (mostly white male) people are always so prepared to bring on the next revolution in order to "save democracy" while being completely oblivious to the fact that democracy comes AFTER the revolution. It's that really sticky, difficult, messy part of compromising and building bridges and creating a representative government.
Wholeheartedly agree. I don't know why, but as a man, I feel it in my blood too. I want glory. I want to matter. And "doing the dishes," actually doing the hard work of slow growth feels too hard and too quiet. Why do so many men leave their families or have a hard time keeping work? Why are we aimless? Why do we get lost in our hobbies and obsessions? Why do we lie so much?
Look, I love being a man, but I have no idea why we are the way we are. There are some good ones among us, but dig an inch, and you'll see the fear and anger and selfishness they've had to overcome.
I find it fascinating that the current concerns surrounding the ways America is "failing" men (less education, more violence and suicide, less contentment, etc.) never really seems to address the core concerns of toxic patriarchy. This article on unpacking the current "masculinity" movement and why it won't actually help men was really great: https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/patriarchal-masculinity-runs-the-world
Thank you for the article. You know, I've think you've really hit it - it comes down to insecurity. When we as men (at least in America) feel weak, our gut reaction is to prove our strength. And it's not necessarily conscious. So why are men so insecure? What do you think is the root?
Societal expectations that men be everything (the provider, the fighter, the protector) except for vulnerable. Everyone is insecure and lonely. Men just receive and/or internalize the message far too often that it’s not okay for them to feel those feelings.
I agree with your point! Although, I'm not entirely convinced the peaceful movements on their own can create massive change. (But maybe that's the cynic in me.) The revolution and civil war and women's suffrage and civil rights movements are notable due to the violence that surrounds them. Though I'll concede that, for suffrage and civil rights, it was often violence *against* those protesting that caused enough commotion to create change.
I think this article does a really good job of highlighting the political violence that's often (and shockingly) swept under the rug because of its massive support and yucky connotations (people don't want to acknowledge their racist ancestors). That said, there is plenty of political violence (the Teslas and looting and protests that turn violent, etc.) that stems from the voice of the unheard that is not really covered in this article.
"I genuinely believe election reform would significantly cut down political violence."
This is such a good point! There is a LOT of overlap in the Venn Diagram between folks who 'don't believe that elections really do anything' and the folks who believe fervently that 'something needs to be done.' If you're looking for change but you don't believe our current system can deliver that change, what methods are you turning to next?
“And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the negro poor has worsened over the last twelve or fifteen years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met,” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
And yet, once again, the white man perceives himself a victim when others seek equality.
I have considered this before, too. When people criticized the protests that in some places turned into riots in the wake of George Floyd's murder, I said numerous times that, while I don't condone the violence at all, I can understand how a group of extremely frustrated people who have witnessed repeated violence against their community for generations--at the hands of the very people who are supposed to protect us all--might get frustrated enough to lash out violently.
Thank you so much for this question, Sharon. (“What is it about Americans, particularly white men, that gives them a proclivity toward political violence?”) It’s been a question a lot on my mind, too. I keep thinking about our inherent antagonism toward our own government. Just yesterday, I was in one of those themed work meetings where the topic was tax day, and everyone was compelled to give their opinion on the topic before giving their work update. Before it was my turn, everyone fell into the expected script: taxes suck, government bad. We’ve all heard it since we were babies. So I spoke up and said "my favorite thing about taxes is that we can make sure there's a social safety net, that if the corporation we work for today were to find us expendable tomorrow, I can search for a job while receiving unemployment benefits and not starve." The mood shifted after that, and I don’t think it’s because I changed anyone’s mind about those benefits, it’s just that people kind of need to be nudged to remember why they pay taxes in the first place.
I think our emotional relationship with government needs a serious makeover. We should absolutely teach kids to question how tax dollars are spent, but also help them understand what we'd lose without them - clean air, safe roads, emergency services, public education. The anger should be redirected toward those who don't pay their fair share - like how billionaires often pay lower effective tax rates than teachers or nurses while we're left covering more of the national debt they help create through tax avoidance. And we should be naming those billionaires every time we talk about how much we are paying in interest toward that debt.
To Sharon's question about why this seems uniquely American - I think it's partly because our national identity was forged in anti-government sentiment. Our founding mythology isn't just about creating a nation but about violently breaking away from tyranny. We've internalized the Revolutionary War and Civil War narratives so deeply that many Americans see themselves as potential revolutionaries just waiting for their moment of justified rebellion. Any perceived government overreach becomes an opportunity to step into that larger historical narrative that gives their life purpose. It's like some people are constantly looking for their personal Lexington and Concord moment, their chance to be a "patriot”. It’s easier and more romantic than finding ways to strengthen our communities without violence. And it certainly plays better into our cultural expectations of masculinity.
If we want to actually address this, it has to start with how we raise and educate our children. We need to teach them not just about the right to challenge government, but also about the collective benefits that come from civic participation. I'm reminded of Pete Buttigieg's 2020 campaign proposal for a national community service program – offering young people a path between high school and college to serve their communities in non-military ways. Democrats kind of dismissed it then, but I wonder if an idea like this – creating shared purpose through service rather than grievance – might find more traction by 2028? Maybe what seemed idealistic in 2020 will feel necessary after another cycle of division and violence. We need to offer people better ways to feel significant in American society than by tearing things down. The world is changing rapidly with automation, and I don't think we're prepared for how many livelihoods are going to be replaced by artificial intelligence. If we don't act quickly to restore a sense of purpose for our young people, we can probably expect more and more of these horrific incidents.
Followup thought! Sitting down to breakfast with my partner (granola, toast, and a chocolate chip cookie!) he was asking what I was writing about. We got into his perspective as someone who grew up in Portugal and the UK, about how flabbergasted he was when he moved to the US after college that people have to "do their taxes" at all. In Portugal and the UK, most people never have to file anything - their taxes are automatically calculated and withheld from their paychecks.
He pointed out how much psychological difference this creates. Instead of people having already paid their income tax at the point they're paid, here in the United States we live in a year of anxiety that we'll owe more than we can afford when we "do our taxes" in April. Not to mention spending hours telling the government information it already has, and often paying a private company for the privilege of doing so!
I'm not sure why we developed this system, but it certainly appears engineered to make people resent their government, no? Hard not to see the connection between our annual tax filing ritual and the antagonistic relationship many Americans have with government. Maybe those seed-planters of resentment Sharon wrote about include TurboTax...
Yes! When my son lived in Germany with his now-wife, he was asking her about when and how to file taxes…and was shocked to learn that she had no idea what he was talking about! Now, they live here…and she now knows why he was asking that question.
I think like most of the deep seated issues in our country, tax preparation reflects our history of complicating things for the purpose of keeping various businesses alive and thriving. Tax accountants, pharmacy benefit managers, tort laws, lobbyists, PACs, etc. have all worked their way into the system and are difficult or impossible to get rid of without legislative change.
These are good points. I wonder also if it would make a difference to Americans if they could see where their money went and how it helped the country-like a receipt?
I have no idea how much of my taxes go to pay towards this or that-I am sure I can look it up somehow.
I do think paying taxes the way we do is wild. It’s stressful.
Yes! I do think this is a great reform that would get to the heart of why people resent the government. I wonder after this whole DOGE fiasco plays out we'll all realize that if we don't figure out a way to make taxpayers feel more aware of how their tax revenue is spent, they'll go along with insane promises that will unearth fraud and abuse that turns out to be mathematically insignificant, cutting of all our noses to spite all our faces.
Another good point. Why indeed - the govt already KNOWS. What could be the reason, besides keeping us on tenterhooks all year, fearful of making a mistake and then being hit with a penalty? Is the cruelty the point? Keep the little guy down?
How do they handle taxes on all of the rich people who probably don’t get much of a paycheck because their income doesn’t come from wages?
Great question, Kate! I didn't know the answer to that, so I checked it out. Portugal has a pretty sophisticated system for taxing wealthy people whose income comes from investments rather than paychecks.
In Portugal, investment income like dividends and interest gets taxed at a flat 28% rate. Capital gains from selling stocks and other securities also get hit with that same 28% rate. They do have higher rates (35%) for income from tax havens and blacklisted jurisdictions. Portugal applies a solidarity tax surcharge of 2.5-5% on people with taxable income exceeding €80,000.
For property, it gets interesting - when residents sell real estate, only 50% of the gain is actually taxable (added to their other income and taxed at rates ranging from 14.5% to 48%). For really high-value properties worth over €600,000, there's an additional annual property wealth tax (AIMI) that ranges from 0.7% to 1% depending on value.
Portugal doesn't have a general wealth tax like some other European countries, but they do have these targeted approaches that hit investment income and high-value properties. Their system is designed to capture revenue from the wealthy while still being attractive enough to bring in foreign investors and residents. The Portuguese tax authorities are definitely aware that rich people have complex financial situations beyond simple wages!
That’s one of the key tax loopholes and a large part of why our system is so complicated. They pay little to nothing because they don’t have taxable income to report. It’s what puts so much of the burden on the low and middle class and it’s by design.
I love Pete Buttigieg so much, and I love this idea. I mentioned above that so many of us see ourselves as the heroes of democracy via fomenting revolution, but we forget that the real democracy was built after the bloodshed. Our successful country was built in the long, hot summer of disagreement and compromise - and the decades that followed filled with precedent-setting difficult choices. When we lose our respect for compromise, for changing minds, for the nitty-gritty of making a society function, we lose democracy. Here's hoping Pete gets more headwind in the next few years and we can see him as the president to help us rebuild in 2028.
Brilliant explanation, and I wish everyone could see it! Please send this as a Letter to the Editor of your local paper, plus the NYTines and the WSJ. Terrific explainer!
I’ll open by saying women aren’t without their faults…but i question why we never address in the open why men (of any color) become violent when they don’t get their way or lose. Weekly in our news, I hear men beating or killing girlfriends or spouses, we see attacks on politicians and school shootings…mostly by men. When will we address how men handle their feelings? I see this as a worldwide issue. I would say as young boys get older, the don’t cry, be a man syndrome represses open expression of feelings resulting in what we see in the news daily. This is not a strength but a weakness playing out violently. It’s a taboo topic but could be the source of much of what we see today.
There is also still the mentality for kids that "boys will be boys". Had a parent say this about their young elementary student who was showing some harmful behaviors. All I could think was that won't work when he does something to someone else, but at the same time some people would accept that because he is a white male.
I have a friend who is raising a boy who posts on social media often about how their experience raising a son is different than someone else raising a daughter. I think it’s harmful that there’s this idea that raising children of different genders is going to be one way or another. I also have seen parents of only boys talk about how they are glad to only have boys bc then they don’t have to deal with the drama girls bring. This idea that boys are going to be rough and tumble whereas girls will be drama is just not true. Yes, some girls will have drama, but so do boys. Some little girls are also rough and tumble.
I recently read an interesting book that covers the weird male fragility. Basically it's all societal pressure for men to not show emotions, causing them to lash out. But anyway, the book was definitely worth a read:
"I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real
I can only speak for myself and my experiences. I'm a white man. And I don't know why, but I've felt angry for a good bit of my life. It's not because I lack resources or opportunities. Quite the opposite - I feel like I am too quickly trusted by people in authority. And yet, I often feel lost and weak and on the outside. Part of it, I think, comes from not feeling like I have an identity. I'm a white dude in America, but what does that mean? I've talked with other white dudes about what it would be like to be a part of a deeper, older tradition, and there's something about that belonging that feels deeply attractive. Without the grit of an ethnic identity (outside of my pale skin), I have nothing to grab onto. I want my life to matter. I think a lot of white men want their lives to matter, but in our impotence and anger we think that violence is the only way to make our mark on the world. It's what our forefathers did. Perhaps we are paying for their sins.
That's a really interesting perspective that makes sense to me, a white woman married to a white man who raised two white sons (and a daughter). While we've never had this specific conversation, I see a bit of this in my husband (now that you've pointed it out). To be clear, in 37 years of knowing him, I've NEVER seen him resort to violence in any way.
But I have noted that:
1. While he has lifelong friends he talks to regularly (a quality I deeply admire), they are now spread around the country, and he doesn't have a "group" of any kind. We women have book clubs and Bunco (here's a secret: that's an excuse to hang out, talk a lot, and drink wine 😅) and Mom's clubs, etc, etc. Generally speaking, men don't form these types of groups. There are some, but not in the way women build community. I've often wondered why that is.
2. While my husband is in no way violent, his default negative emotion is anger. He struggles to express sadness, loneliness, frustration, etc. All of those come out as just "I'm mad." I see the same in his peers.
I will add, though, that I'm incredibly proud that my sons, currently 20 and 23, do not struggle as much to express emotion. My 23-year-old is quite introverted, so he's less likely to share his emotions in general, but he is able to identify them appropriately when he does. And my 20-year-old has no problem doing so. Both of them willingly and without prompting tell me "I love you" and hug me in front of their friends (even through the junior high and high school years when I expected them to not want that and gave them space to not have to). One day last summer I walked into my 20 y/o's room for something, and he was online gaming. I told what I needed to, and as I was walking out, he said, "Thanks, Mom. Love you!" Apparently, one of his gaming buddies teased him about that (he was wearing headphones, so I couldn't hear what was said), and my son said, "What? You don't tell your Mom you love her? Thats so sad, dude." 🥹 Apparently, my husband and I, even with his struggle to identify his own emotions, managed to raise sons who can identify theirs. So there is hope for change if we work at it.
I think this is also where the importance of letting boys and men have female friends. I have close male friends who are super compassionate and definitely look at the world differently than the stereotypical man. I don’t have kids yet, but I think of how I want to foster that in my own kids one day.
Yes. I've noticed this in many men I know, and it scares me, compounded by the fact that I have two sons. I think part of it is so much of male identity under the capitalism and patriarchy is tied to earning money. Which is such an unsatisfying endeavor to start with and infuriating to those who can't earn enough. I'm trying to show my sons what they do outside of traditional achievement matters, eg kindness, compassion, creativity etc. It scares me though because it's so insidious.
Makes me think of the phrase “looking for love in all the wrong places”. Our culture tells men that they will have meaning in doing big things. Money, status, fame, physical attractiveness, etc. But those things are obviously fleeting. I think in general, when we are lacking meaning (which can also be perceived as a resource) that is often the sign we need to widen our net. When my dad went thru the divorce he didn’t want and wasn’t prepared for, he found himself in a dark place and he was very angry. So his therapist recommended that he start serving at the local gospel mission. He just did it on the holidays but I think it helped ground him a lot. It gave him purpose on some of the hardest days of the year. If we want our lives to matter, I think the question needs to be, “how can I serve others?”
But again, in our culture, the *real* answer to that question is not brawny, masculine or impressive. It’s reaching down to the lowest of places and offering our hands to help. If more men (white men in particular) approached their search for meaning from this viewpoint, the world would undoubtedly be a better place.
Thx for your vulnerability and honesty. I think men desperately need community, brotherhood, positive ritual, and connection. We are far removed from these aspects of life that our ancestors enjoyed c which came through church or social groups or civic organizations, especially service-oriented ones. We can rebuild these now, locally, with one another. Is there a cause you can assist, a needy population that you can help? Often deep connection and community arises from shared action and goals. You can lead other men to help those less fortunate. Or you can start a small support group to help young fathers. Or or or… Koan Baez said, “The antidote to despair is action.” Take action now. Can you put your energy towards that? Would that answer your longing for a life that mattered? Hoping for that for you, and men like you.
Interesting observations!
This definitely brought back themes from Fever in the Heartland by Timothy Egan. I wish that book had ended with people learning to listen to understand. Still a great book I’m glad to have read that helps to understand the past but also how we got where we are today. The ways people have dangerous ideas like they are better than other based on their religion or skin color was marketed in such palatable ways then and now.
Very often, I wish I could just transplant that book into people’s brains. Hate was so invasive and normalized in our government and the general population.
And it wasn't ugly. It wasn't something that people looked down on or thought was wrong. It came in parades, Sunday school and family picnics. The hate was made to feel wholesome and right. It was such a hard book to read for those reasons. Watching people be swept up in that. Wondering how I would have acted during that time. Knowing everything about my life and what I had access to would have been different as a woman in the 1920s!
I also think that the language we use surrounding these individuals and their acts gives them more power. It’s never “terrorist”, it’s “nationalist”, it’s hard to charge white men or women with a hate crime, vs a non white shooter. It’s “hate groups” not “Terrorist cells”. I wonder if we actually start changing the language, socially and legally, we use towards these individuals and their acts that it will do more to deter them?
Thank you, Sharon. I think you are right to highlight this worrisome thread through our past.
For me, learning that the KKK disbanded, not due to a change of heart, but partially to avoid paying taxes, was very enlightening. And then to read Fever in the Heartland, and learn that many of the talking points used by the KKK still echo today: protecting women and children’s innocence, preserving an “American” way of life, stopping criminal immigrants, adhering to family values, buying only from “American” businesses. These subtle dog whistles are still pervasive, whether knowingly used or not. It’s so important to know our history, so we can be wise about what we ought not repeat.
White men are always seen as lone wolves when they act like this (see: just about every mass sh00ting in the US), but the Laken Riley Act was created after one undocumented person committed a heinous crime.
"And if there is one thing that America’s history has taught us: hate has never led us anywhere worth going.." Sharon's voice aligns with that of MLK, JR. "...Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that." I have never loathed another person as much as I do now, but I am praying daily for love to fill my hate. I'm also praying for DT and his cabinet to have open hearts to love for this country in order to put the American people first.
Good on Cody Balmer’s mom for trying to raise alarms! So many moms excuse terrible behavior or say, “Not my son.” I’m thankful she seems grounded in reality.
My neighbor recommended a book to me, “Freedom’s Dominion” by Jefferson Cowie; it’s a book about the white power movement in America and its fight against the federal government. And I just finished reading “A Fever In The Heartland” two days ago. Reading about the ways in which white men (and women) are willing to punch down is just the example of the unwillingness or inability to adapt in a changing world. I think that gets co-opted into a religious or ideological belief, but is based in the deep human instinct to maintain a perception of stability or resource maintenance. When you view the world as a zero sum game, life is a constant fight. And that world view is extremely common, it’s just that most people don’t actually resort to violence against other people to get their needs met.
Thank you, Sharon, for pointing out the Jewish connection to this horrible act. As American Jews, I and most people I know are more frightened living as Jews in America than ever before in our lifetimes.
It’s true that there’s some blue-haired passionate college students out there saying antisemitic things, (which I disapprove of strongly) but I’m not aware of them engaging in shooting sprees. Many of them are wildly misinformed but I don’t consider them to be homicidal against American Jews.
I feel the real threat is from white men on the right. If we think about the Tree of Life synagogue shooting in Pittsburgh, and other mass shootings, it’s generally a white guy with right wing political views. And if a person is racist or against immigrants, or misogynistic or homophobic, you can be sure that they also hate Jews.
It broke my heart to see the photos of the damage to the governor’s mansion, but especially one picture, which showed Jewish holy texts from the Passover Seder burned with singed edges. In immediately reminded me of similar pictures from the Holocaust. And the Holocaust happened because good people (at least they thought they were good people ) looked the other way. And not so good people actively participated.
We have a chance today in the US to not look away. To get actively involved. I am grateful for your voice, Sharon.
That picture was particularly hard to see 💜 I’m so sorry you have to live with this fear.